Who Would You Go Gay For?
by Xtase
Summary: The shinobi of the Narutoverse are subject to fangirl interrogation again. The trending topic: Who are they most likely to go for, in the event they do turn gay? Crack.


I hereby declare that I claim no rights to **NARUTO © 1999 by Kishimoto Masashi/SHUEISHA Inc. **and receive no monetary benefit for any narrative I publish hereafter based on this manga or any of its other media adaptations.

Warnings are in place for manga spoilers.

- Xtase

_Oh I couldn't resist making another crackfic using this format; it's just too fun and convenient to write up. Read on._

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**Naruto: **Really, you're actually asking me that? I mean _hello_, I scream his name at total strangers like a crazy retard and get my ass kicked for it. I have _dreams_ about him. I'm so obsessed even Sakura-chan's starting to look at me funny. I'm already three-quarters of the way to being gay for Sasuke. And I'd better not wake up one day from a wet dream of him, Kishi! Believe it!

**Sasuke: **Who have I been obsessed with my entire life? Who did I throw all the good things I had left to in order to hunt down and conquer? Who is the only person in this entire series I have _ever_ professed my love for? If he were alive and Kishi weren't a pussy, we would so be fucking each other into every single panel on our manga's pages. Yes, I'm talking about Itachi. And gay or no, I'll still hate Naruto.

**Neji: **Who would I be gay for? That's hard to say. I guess I'd go for Naruto of his fanboy troop wasn't so large and he weren't so obviously smitten with Sasuke. So canonically, I'm left with - Lee? Oh, hell no. I'd rather fuck myself. Literally.

**Shikamaru: **I'm in for whatever's easier. As long as boys are less troublesome to get involved with than girls, I don't care who I'm lumped with. Perhaps someone who understands my love of clouds.

**Kiba: **Definitely not Shino, I'll never forgive him for giving Akamaru fleas. I really can't see myself with any of the noobs I come in contact with. And Naruto is too annoying.

**Lee: **If Youth were a man I would certainly fall for him. Sadly, I can only settle for someone brimming with the overpowering Springtime of Youth. And there is only one man like that in the whole world; Guy-sensei!

**Chōji: **I'll watch clouds with you, Shikamaru. I don't care how cool and good looking Sasuke and Neji are. We'll share BBQ-flavoured crisps and go to Yakuniku-Q and look at butterflies together.

**Shino: **If I went gay, nobody would notice. Not even Kishi. Perhaps someone will re-perform the Edo Tensei so I can get together with Torune.

**Hidan: **You fucking cocksucker blasphemers, I only love Jashin-sama! I don't have to fornicate with anyone to scream his name to the heathen shitheads! Jashin-sama forever!

**Deidara: **NOT Itachi! No, no, no, don't even think about it! Don't even suggest it! I don't find anything about him attractive in the least. Especially not his broad, strong shoulders or his sultry baritone voice or those deep dark eyes of his that speak of sin and - what the fuck am I saying? I hate that stuck-up prick's guts, un. Sasori no danna is waaay sexier than Itachi, _un_. Definitely better than Itachi. But I gotta admit his lil' bro is kinda foxy...

**Pain: **Since Yahiko is a dead zombie and I'm somewhat challenged the lumbar area, I'll just use my Deva Path to commit random acts of gayness with my lackeys. Now come here, my lovely Itachi, you're up first.

**Kakuzu: **Yeah, where is Itachi? I'd rather mess with him than Hidan. And since he's undead too, I can't kill him!

**Kisame: **Huhuhu, Itachi-san. Oh where are you, Itachi-saaaaan...

**Sasori: **You're all a bunch of filthy necrophiles. Now where is that Kazekage's strapping stud of an older brother? Yow.

**Itachi: **Hmm... I know I only love Sasuke, but is it really appropriate for me to commit acts of ooh-aah with my kid brother? Maybe I'll take Deidara or Sasori, to preserve at least _some_ of my modesty...

**Obito: **Can't you fuckers see that I am in _lurve _with Rin?! God, you guys are worse than the Zetsu clones who continue to pester me about poo! Fine; Kakashi or Madara. Happy?

**Kakashi: **Pick a letter. No really, pick a first letter for a guy's name and I guarantee I can mention five right away from the top of my head. I'm blessed enough to live in the Land of Fire, where the men are _hawt_.

**Guy: **I'm already gay. I'm gay all the time! I have gayness rippling in my spandex suit and bursting from my orange leg warmers. Take it from me, all those hot-blooded men who are filled with the Power of Youth are always completely and utterly gay!

**Genma: **I think Guy completely misunderstood which sense of the word "gay" we're using. As for me, I'd pickRaidō, probably. Or Kakashi. Or both at once. I have a thing for facial scarring.

**Konohamaru: **You know who I'm going to pick. I know who I'm going to pick. Let's save ourselves some time and go back to our own separate Naruto-worshipping lives.

**Gaara: **Iwill not pick Naruto; he's a clingy little leech who makes poor choices with the men he becomes attached to (seriously, _Sasuke_?). Not to mention he's a manwhore who'll love anyone with a sob story. I won't go for Lee either, if that's what you're thinking. I'd have gone for the person who loved me most; Yashamaru... if only I hadn't killed him.

**Kankuro: **Oh no, not this again. Just leave me alone, I'm still in therapy from the Sandcest debacle.

**Madara: **He's the only one who was ever able to bring me to my knees. Come back to me, Hashi-san!

**Hashirama: **No, Madara, please, no more. What happened that night was all a mistake commited in the heat of the moment. You know how terrible my alcohol tolerance is. Just don't talk like that in front of Mito, I beg you; she'll _kill me_.

**Izuna: **Niisama... why? After all I sacrificed for you - you'll turn around and fuck a Senju dog?! At least give me a sympathy handjob, damnit...

**Tobirama: **I'm surrounded by idiots. Where's Saru when I need him?

**Minato: **Oh, it's my turn? Well, I never really did pay attention to anyone after I met - _her_ (sigh, Kushina... ). If I had to pick, I guess I'd go for that ball-busting Military Police Captain. He's quite dishy now I think about it...

**Fugaku: **_What?_

**Hiashi: **Why am _I_ here?

**Inoichi: **Anyone up for Ino-Shika-Cho, yaoi style?

**Shikkaku: **No.

**Chōza:** Om nom nom.

**Jiraiya: **Me, give up boobs for dong? Are you out of your hentai minds? I'm so straight that even regular straightness is too gay for me. No way I'm ever doing that, even hypothetically. Hun!

**Kabuto: **As soon as I get out of this fucking Izanami, I'm stealing Orochimaru-sama back from Sasuke-kun.

**Orochimaru: **Sasuke-kuuuuuuun!

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Against the fangirls, Kishi cannot win.

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End file.
